A dream, surreal.All the people I’ve know’d.Every moment, gone – here then gone.Spent so much of my life, complaining, what is there to complain about – wanting a different life – not leaning into this life, not living this life.Live your destiny.And this, too. This, too. This too.Did I define my life, or did I default into it? NOT IN CONTROL / NOT KNOWINGRELEASING CONTROL / RELEASING KNOWINGThe HALL OF SOULS – maybe I did choose this lifeMaking a baby – RIDGEwheezingDESPERADOSNo hope, without hopecan’t be redeemed – nothing to loseWhat are they going to do – sentence me to death?Kill the president if I wanted.Falling – nothing to hold onto, nothing onto which I could hold – just, a freefall.The emptiness of thought.Thoughts, here, then gone – just ideas – nothing compared to the reality of experience – something I’m watching – not me.So I’m gonna die. I’m going to my death. Acceptance.Being with others, not being alone.It happened to everyone, this wasn’t just you; everyone would go through it.Grieving and crying being a normal part of the process.“I’m going to kill myself,” I read. “Kill myself. Blow my brains, no, do something else. Die spectacularly. Instead of chemotherapy. Better to burn out, then fade away.”
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