“Pirates of the Danube” comes riding into town on the sticky, dubiously-stained coattails of the “Fifty Shades of Grey” series, offering a prophetic, satirical look at how low our standards have sunk. This work of comic farce presents a satire of the entire romance – erotica genre, taking shots at supermarket dime novels, Fabio-emblazoned book covers, and “S & M for housewives” alike. Readers of “Pirates of the Danube” are swept along from one historical anachronism to the next (Beowulf, Lazarus and Jane Austen’s “Mister Darcy” are contemporaries in this world; the young medical student Sigmund Freud makes a cameo appearance). The sexual adventures of our heroes—Pepper MacOralby and Baron Von Hugenstein—take place amidst a mix-matched hodgepodge of historical references, Biblical quotes, literary allusions, and pop song lyrics.This book is humanity’s last stand in the face of our impending intellectual demise. SELECTED READINGS FROM “PIRATES OF THE DANUBE”:“But Baron…I have never known the touch of a man…my white flower…” said Pepper MacOralby.“I intend to be tender with your white flower, my dear,” the Baron whispered. “Now lay down, for I shall give you a mighty sexing.” The table was set with a glamorous Viennese breakfast of blood pudding and spotted dick. The Baron had doubtless warned the servants that he and Pepper would need a hearty breakfast, as they were ravenous with the hunger of the recently laid. “Your candles, Baron,” Pepper began, haltingly. “They’ve caught the drapes ablaze…” The Baron shook his head, staring only at Pepper’s heaving décolletage. “The servants shall…” he muttered without finishing his sentence. The Baron appeared to have been rendered absolutely incapable of speech, his tongue silenced by the intense arousal, as if he were some sort of libidinal Avox. A dapper young man staggered out, reeking of cheap rum. His hair was dishevelled and his shirt tail untucked; and yet, he bore the unmistakeable mien of a man with wealth. The man’s arms were draped around two of Madame Abigail’s most whorish whores. The twin shutters of the uppermost window of the brothel swung open with a bang. “Mister Darcy, as I live and breathe!” shouted the buxom Madame. “The greatest benefactor my whorehouse has ever known!” As the couple entered Doctor Freud’s room, Pepper pulled a long match from betwixt her cleavage and lit the candles on the nightstand. “Why ever do you light all these candles, Miss MacOralby?” Sigmund asked. “Why all this light?”“The better to bang you by, my dear.” CRITICAL ACCLAIM FOR “PIRATES OF THE DANUBE”“This man is illiterate.”-Gary Shteyngart, legitimate East Coast author “Schmidt has breathed new life into the classic ‘slutty American novel’…”-Anna Marie Cortez, former Kinko’s employee“David Schmidt writes books by women, for women.”-Alejandra Cordova, woman“You’ll read this book, if you know what’s good for you.” Biff Chode, local thug“Thank you for contacting the White House. We apologize for not being able to respond to every letter with a personalized response.”-Barack Obama, 44th President of the United States
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