Did you ever have a coworker tell you they want your job and they want you to fail because they know they are far superior to you? It is possible, but not likely. Instead, you might be the recipient of an attack that is much more subtle, a hint of a sneer, a one liner, a critical remark, a sideward glance, or a cold shoulder. The occurrence might be so slight that you question whether it really happened. If there is a second occurrence, you might start to feel a bit crazy.The craziness you feel is a good indicator that someone has stung you. We use the metaphor of being stung to describe being figuratively blindsided or injured by someone who lies and manipulates, or who is selfish, irresponsible, or arrogant. Those who sting can be strangers, friends, family members, coworkers, or others who consistently exhibit patterns of unscrupulous behaviors.In this book we refer to “B”s. These are people who repeatedly execute manipulative behaviors that lead to social dysfunction. Encounters with “B”s surprise and sting us when we least expect it. “B”s operate on a behavioral continuum from mild to severe, from sporadic to frequent, and can be recognized by their patterns.
Being stung by “B”s wears people down, sickens them, causes them to leave the jobs they love, precipitates divorces and suicides, compels people to stop trusting each other, and subsequently causes them to stop caring about making the world a better place.Most “B”s fly under the radar of mental health professionals and are often assisted by others who protect them. The “B’s” attract protectors by using charm, power, beauty, money, knowledge, and fear. People allow “B”s to repeatedly sting them because they don’t recognize the patterns in the “B’s” behaviors. They continue to see themselves as victims not realizing they could have the knowledge and the power to prevent future stings.Stung by “B”s elaborates on these themes by organizing true-life vignettes and narratives that exemplify a variety of stinging behaviors. We have read many books, articles, and blogs about “emotional bloodsuckers,” “prima donnas at work,” “backstabbers,” “nasty people,” “bullies” and other such characters. However, the volume of stories that we collected in a short time from friends and acquaintances surprised us.
Although this book is about people who exhibit manipulative behaviors and reactions to these people, it is more specifically about how these behaviors affect us in ways we don’t realize. Our purpose is to help you recognize patterns of “B” behaviors so you will know when you have been stung. Also, by reading this book we hope you will gain the courage to reject the role of victim and gain the strength to take a proactive approach to your future encounters with potential “B”s.As social workers, we have spent many years observing stinging behaviors in our clients, and the effects of stinging behaviors on our clients. As professionals, we listen to the stories of people who just want to unburden themselves. Often these stories involve a significant event in a person’s life and frequently the stories involve having been emotionally hurt by someone else.The inspiration for this book arose as we thought of the times we have been unexpectedly stung by someone with manipulative behaviors: a coworker, friend, or someone who was just passing through our lives. Over the years, friends and acquaintances sought our guidance after being caught off guard and stung by someone they trusted. As we spoke with our friends and colleagues, we realized that they had stories to share. They, in turn, asked their friends and acquaintances for more stories. As our volume of stories grew, we decided to write this book.
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